Long post about slippery minded not so friend boy.
The friend boy turned into more than just friend boy. He had a really nice body and was tall. It was really nice when we first got together and he said he was going to tie me up and that was really exciting. I loved how it felt to be with someone so big and overpowering. But then I had the longest period in human history, and admitted I haven’t actually ever had an orgasm with a boy. There was zero tying up.
He is crazy, but it was interesting crazy at first. He sent me a lot if texts and that felt really good. But the thing with this crazy is that it’s incredibly self-centered, and a really dark steep cliff.
Once we started sleeping together things got weird, he didn’t talk to me as much and I felt like I had to play games to keep his attention and was mad at myself for thinking about him so much. I was also pissed at him a lot of the time.
Fourth of July weekend I sent him some goofy message, then he didn’t respond. Finally he says his past girlfriend who lived in NYC was back. And I would have been alright going back to just friends, since that’s how we started the whole thing and knew that entering any sort of actually relationship with this wacko would be instant and obvious disaster. But then he just stopped talking to me. Which made me really crazy and fixated.
He finally responded after a long hiatus of me trying to get in contact with him. I said do you even still exist? And really dramatically he said I’m not sure. I’m not well, things are complicated and that he had been thinking of me a lot.
Then another long pause in communication. Me still thinking of him a lot bc obviously my life is very empty and monotonous.
Finally he gets back to me. He is in a really shitty head space. He says he has no idea what has value what doesn’t, can’t tell up from down, hadn’t created anything. He is incredible depressed and doesn’t like anything. He won’t talk to me on the phone. I find out that he is living in an apartment with his use to be ex.
So the main question I am dying to know the answer to is why he stopped talking to me. FINALLY he answers saying that he hated me for not telling him I loved him because it seemed like I did. This made me SO ANGRY for some reason. STEAMY PISSED. So I responded in what was maybe a shitty way, “i wasn’t about to love someone who wasn’t going to love me back and would just fuck with my head. Then if that had happened I would have just lost you as a friend which I guess is what happened anyway.”
He says that he wishes everything was a choice. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? A choice to love me? Or me choosing whether I loved him or not?
He said maybe I’m just feeble minded. I said you most definitely are. and ummm good luck with everything
admittedly that was pretty cruel to say.
last exchange was him “i’m sorry i got really drunk.’
So that’s that. I wish he would just leave my mind. I hope he thinks about me a lot. I hope he feels shitty. I hope everything with his use to be ex is going horribly and that she cheats on him again. I hate him because I guess I did love him. I don’t know if I’ll ever see or talk to him again. Just trying to move my mind. I know that I would really like to see him again.
I met this guy on the premiss that we would just be friends so that I wouldn’t lose more people to failed relationships. Look what happened.
I’m recording this long winded entry because he has been an important character in the last 9 months. I have been stuck on it. I need to let it go. I need to find another guy to entertain me. Need something else. ANYTHING ELSE.
Was I unfairly cruel? Do I want to apologize to keep communication open? Or just leave it let it die?